it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
