Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm jealous of your bromance
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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