If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
