Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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