Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
