Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
