Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
