This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
