I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
