come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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