The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
