The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
