Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Randomize
