Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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