you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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