Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
