my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
