I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
