I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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