Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
