soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
