Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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