There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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