Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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