Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
