Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
