If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
