i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
