A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
