so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
