just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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