In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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