So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So squirting runs in the family.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
