Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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