No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
