I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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