i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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