I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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