I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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