I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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