Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
