The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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