I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
