i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
