Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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