Betty ford says i'm here all night
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
