Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
