Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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