I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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