Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
