just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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