remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
the gays at disneyland are vicious
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
