she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
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Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
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This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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