You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
