I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
