ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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