Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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