He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
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We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
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I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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