we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
